Dear Diary,
This morning I was sitting with my thoughts when I had an epiphany…I realized where I’ve gone wrong in my homemaking journey.
I’ve let the pressure of the title “Homemaker” get the best of me. As soon as I associated myself with the label of Homemaker, I started comparing myself to online influencers and the moms I know who seem to have it all together, and I instantly felt like a failure. At least, that was the first conclusion I came to. But on further reflection, I realized the truth ran far deeper than this shallow excuse.
The truth is that I didn’t compare myself to other women, I just never fully committed to my new role. My efforts were performative, not true. Becoming a homemaker takes vulnerability, and I’ve been too scared of true vulnerability to allow myself to commit. I needed to try new things, allow myself to fail in front of the people I love most, and be more vulnerable than I ever have before.
I let my fear of failure overshadow my willingness to take on this new role. I didn’t want to be looked at with pity or look like a fool. I’m used to looking like I have my life together. I mastered the whole corporate girl thing. I’ve earned respect from colleagues. I’m used to being praised by today’s hustle culture and independence movement. I’ve been too scared to start over…to be looked at as a beginner, or worse, a failure.
I have no idea how to transition into being a selfless, empathetic homemaker. I’ve never truly embraced that side of me. I’m scared.