Dear Diary,
I’m in a waiting period, and once again, I’m finding myself frustrated.
I’ve been in this waiting period for years and have tried everything to get past it. I’ve prayed every day, worked on myself, and tried to implement a million different changes to get me to the end of my waiting period sentencing. But nothing has worked.
I’m drained. I’m disheartened. I’m beyond frustrated. I don’t know what to do anymore.
The worst part is I continue to catch myself falling victim to what seems like an endless cycle of getting my hopes up only to be let down. I find myself continuously getting inspired by posts online about people who are either in their own waiting periods and enjoying them, or finally out of their waiting periods and sharing their testimony. Every time I see a post like that, my hope reinvigorates and stays with me for a short while. I start thinking that if I just change my attitude and really commit to enjoying my waiting period, God will reward me by shortening it; as if simply accepting that I’m in a waiting period will reduce my sentence.
The problem with that is that every time my self-proclaimed earned sentence reduction is surpassed, I spiral. Suddenly, I’m questioning my faith and feeling higher levels of disappointment than I knew were possible. I feel overlooked, unheard, and unseen.
But, I’m starting to understand that that’s not how life works.
I can’t shorten my waiting period. I can’t control the timing of my life. I have to find a way to accept it, and I have no idea where to start.
At least I’m finally getting real with myself. That in itself sort of feels like a good start.